your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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