Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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