New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
