My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
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I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?