it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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