Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
