I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
