peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
