my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
