Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
