The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
