the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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