I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
