you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
