Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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