A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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