so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
