That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
