If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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