awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.