You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Four minutes until I can fart!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
