You really coming over, don't trick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
