You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
