I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
