If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
