Your dad touched me again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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