he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
