it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
