farters have to be the big spoon...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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