I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
