when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
