Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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