Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
is wine microwaveable?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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