My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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