also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
