the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.