i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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