Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
please don't ironically join a cult
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