WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
