Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
