I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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