so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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