Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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