My balls are so social today.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
