she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."