I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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