i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
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So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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