Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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