she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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