The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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