my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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