did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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